teaching #adulting to teens (no lectures + minimal eye rolls)

When my older boys hit their teen years I became increasingly bothered by the fact that they were not striving to discipline themselves in good habits that would be essential for adulthood.  

For example,  in the summers they wanted nothing more than to sleep till noon, drag themselves to the table to eat a box of cereal with a gallon of milk and then go straight to video games.  I tried lecturing (they love that, always ready to listen to words of wisdom from mom), venting my frustration when chores were still being neglected, responding with checklists to complete... but it usually always ended in a fight.  

And I was tired of fighting.

In the meantime I was on a roll of listening to motivational podcasts and reading books and more books about productivity, and started to see some key habits that almost every successful person does each day.  These were cornerstone habits that they all had in common:  

SUCCESS HABITS

Spiritual

Physical

Mental

Read

Goals (Could be financial goals, grade goals, things they want to attain, etc.)

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Those were the foundation habits.  From there, depending on the son and his particular issues, I added one or two (at max) areas to his list:

Help at home (for this sometimes I'd list a chore, or sometimes leave it blank for them to choose something to do.)

Financial (after they had a job)

Self-care (For those who were learning to remember deodorant, brushing teeth, shaving.)

Move Out Plan (This was something I neglected to be purposeful about with my oldest, and I regretted it.  With the other two I started at about 16 years old or so.  What are they actively doing to plan to move out?  Could be things like saving money, learning household tasks or car maintenance, pricing apartments and job income, etc.)

Quotes (sometimes I had them read an article I printed off like this one, or this one and write out a quote or thought they liked from it.)

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Before implementing this, I told the boys the reason behind what I was doing and why these were important successful adult habits.  I asked them if they agreed and that I was willing to change whatever they thought was not important --if they could give me a good reason and example of why they didn't need it.  And you know what was surprising, even my most reluctant son agreed that he didn't want to be the kind of person who never did these things as an adult.  (We're always talking about how good habits and responsibilities don't suddenly form at 18 or 21 years old, they start now.)

We did tweak a few items that were confusing or redundant, and we ended up with a do-able list, a little different for each son.  (Yes, I still got sighs and some days I got attitude, but for the most part, this has been a great method for us.)  One of the beauties of this system was that I wanted them to get into the habit of thinking about what they should do every day, not work through a checklist without thought.  I told them that I was very rarely, if ever, going to write what they should do in each category (except for the help at home category occasionally).  It was pretty much up to them.  

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WEEKLY REVIEW

At the end of the week, usually Sunday, we'd sit down for a weekly review and just look and talk about their week.  No anger.  No guilt.  Every few weeks, I'd even have them flip through the last few weeks and rate themselves on a 1-5 scale.  1 being I did nothing, 5 being I did above and beyond, and 3 is I did about as much as most people. 

When it was weekly review time, it was not a blame or condemnation time.  It was simply a time to review habits like an adult, see where you did well, see what you need to change, and brainstorm how to do it differently if they wanted different results.  

We talked over the categories and if  still thought they were important.   Again, be open to changing things as long as they can state a good case for it (not "it's stupid").  This was not a time for punishment or taking away privileges, but just talking about our struggles (mine too!) and learning what works, and what doesn't. 

Of course we didn't do this 100% consistently, some weeks are just too crazy, but having it as a habit to come back to regularly has been instrumental in helping them get important things done without too much griping.  (P.S. It works well as a personal checkup for me too!)


This article first appeared 2 years ago here  Raising teens - spiral notebook edition.  It's been updated and reposted because it STILL works! Yay!