5 things to understand about porn

The last time I spoke on this topic of porn, I had a list of 10 things you can do when your son (or daughter) has been deliberately viewing porn.  
Today we will try to understand a little bit more about it.

I'm very blessed to have an amazing pastor at our church (one of many gifted pastors at our church, actually) who is not afraid to speak bluntly and clearly on what to do to help our children who are going to have to learn how to deal with this.  When we spoke today, he opened my eyes to some great truths, and I hope they can do the same for you.  

Again, I'm coming at this problem as if you are dealing with this on your own.  If you husband is unwilling or unable (or you are single) than it is up to you do deal with this.  If you husband is willing, your job is to back him up in prayer and cover your son in prayer.  If your husband is willing, let this be a time for them to grow closer in their relationship working through this and PRAISE GOD that your husband is willing!

But if not, it's up to you.

Five things to understand about porn:

1.  Understand the difference between
Worldly sorrow 
vs. Godly sorrow

Worldly sorrow is being sad or angry they got caught in the sin and now have to deal with consequences.  There can be tears, they can feel bad that they got caught, but there is no real heart change. There is no sense of them sinning against a holy God.  They feel bad they are in this situation, they may even feel bad that it affected other people, but there is no real repentant heart.  They have no desire for change, and sometimes think of ways they can be sneakier or continue without getting caught.

vs.

Godly sorrow which is when they are grieved because they realize the weight of their sin.  They know what they did was wrong before a Holy God.  I've seen both the worldly sorrow and Godly sorrow played out in real life.  The teen who had worldly sorrow didn't want to talk further about it, had a grudging "ya, ya, I know" kind of attitude.  He did apologize, he did deal with the punishment/consequences, but the attitude in those was more of a "miffed I have to deal with this" attitude.  The teen with a Godly sorrow, wanted to talk more later, wanted to learn, spent time in the word, talked about times when he was tempted, talked to others, ASKED for help, prayed.

If you pay attention to the attitudes and actions after the initial firestorm, and keep praying, you will be able to tell which sorrow you are dealing with.  You want them to have a sorrow that leads them to repentance.

2 Corinthians 7:10 For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.

2.  Understand porn is easy and lazy

Asking a girl out is hard.

Talking to a girl is hard.

Rejection is hard.

Building a relationship is hard.

but

Porn is easily available.

Porn is becoming more and more 'normal'.

It doesn't require any thinking or effort.

It's tantalizing and exciting.

It's lazy.

I'm not saying this to excuse any of it, but to help you understand some of what they might not even be aware of what they are thinking.  It is our job to bring truth into their lives and uncover lies. 
Porn is a lie.
A life of ease and comfort is a lie.

Talk and teach your son about the lie.  None of what he is seeing is real.

3.  Understand porn is a fantasy

Your son can probably understand this even better than you can.  Most teen boys are really into video games...in a way that we will probably never be.  They understand that video games are a fantasy (hopefully!).  

Use their understanding of video game fantasy to teach that this is along the same lines, but worse.  Not only is it a fantasy, but it is also shaping how they view women, whether they admit it or not.  We never know what a sin is costing us, until it is too late.


4. Understand that your son needs you now more than ever.

Your son has been lied to, cheated, and entrapped.  He needs you to come alongside him and show grace and speak truth.  He doesn't need you to be his holy spirit, he already has The Holy Spirit.  You don't need to crush him under guilt and shame and compound the feeling so he REALLY GETS IT.  God is the only one who can work in his heart.

I keep coming back to a verse God gave me in the midst of this long season of teen rebellion and trial:

2 Timothy 2:24

And the Lord's bond-servant (that's ME)
must not be quarrelsome, ('do not')
but be kind to all ('do this')
able to teach (ahh... not yell and lecture but teach),
patient when wronged (ouch!)
with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition (gently correct?!)

if perhaps

GOD may grant them 
(the above is MY job...what follows below is GOD'S job)
repentance (God's job)
leading to the knowledge of the truth 
(knowledge of the truth--understanding what he has been taught--God leads him to that)
and that they may come to their senses (God will snap him awake)
and escape from the snare of the devil (God will lead the escape)
having been held captive by him to do his will. 
(My son has been held captive, God will help him escape.)

This is all about ME being obedient to my job description verse 24-25a so that God can work with me to do His job in my son's heart.  The sinful part of me wants to take over God's part and change his heart, make him repent, and have him come to his senses, but that is NOT what God has for me.  Instead, I get what I see as the HARDER part... "don't fight, be kind, teach, PaTiEnT?!?!, gentleness in correcting."  

So HARD.

But notice this... when I am doing my part, not only am I being obedient to God, but I am also preserving the relationship with my son instead of destroying it and elbowing God aside as I blow my lid.

(I have a sneaking suspicion that this whole porn mess with my teen is God's way of sanctifying ME, maybe even more than him.)



5.  Know that this is a blessing.

God loves your son.
God is not mad at you.
He is not mad at your son.  

By allowing you to find out about this, He is gracious.
He refuses to let satan destroy your family or you son.
This is a blessing.
Give thanks that you know.

"This is NOT the end of your son, but the beginning of God working in him" 
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On the next post, we'll get together an action plan for you.
We'll go over tips and ideas of things you can talk about and work on with your son to start strengthening him (and you!) for the battle.