Last night I was overwhelmingly blessed and humbled more than any other time in my life. Because I got to see with my own eyes and my tiny, finite mind, how God will take a situation in your life and use it to bless you, even if you are fighting tooth and nail against Him in the process.
Three years ago we had a tough choice to make.
Our oldest son, T1, had not done well in the private school we were attending, and lost his scholarship. And since I refused to do his work for him to keep the scholarship, and we couldn't afford the school without it, we had to pull out. That was one of the hardest days in my life. We LOVED that school, loved the teachers, the principle, the schedule, everything.
I was mad.
And HATED that we were put in a position of having to make an even harder choice of "now what".
We could put him in public school, but for him, there were lots of reasons why we didn't feel free to do that just yet.
Or, we could homeschool.
And I. DID. NOT. WANT. TO. HOMESCHOOL.
My husband and I both grew up in public schools.
We live a block away from the local high school.
I would have 6+ hours of free time.
But, with his personality, his struggles, and numerous other reasons, neither my husband nor I felt any sort of peace about sending him.
In fact, I KNEW that it was the wrong place and the wrong time.
So for weeks...
weeks and weeks...
I would beg and plead with God to give me another way.
I would go to bed crying.... some nights YELLING into my pillow.
This was NOT what I had planned!
This is NOT what I want!
But, with lots of friends to talk to, and great people who have gone before, eventually I calmed down and we settled into homeschooling.
It was rough at first, but gradually we grew into a routine, and it went okay.
There were days that I didn't want to do it, and LOTS of days when they didn't want to... but overall it began to smooth out, and eventually we started to even sorta like it... except for T1. He tolerated it, and it showed by his attitude and lack of effort. He still just tolerates it.
And it wears on me.
It exhausts me.
And I'm still confused as to how much longer we will be homeschooling... but don't feel like it's time to enroll him in public school yet either.
But last night, I started to see a bit of the bigger picture, and I am humbled and overwhelmed by God's goodness.
You see, if I hadn't gone into homeschool, EXACTLY when I did, T1 would have missed an amazing opportunity.
Through the co-op we joined I got to grow in relationship to lots of other homeschooling moms, and one mom in particular, Connie. That year we got to attend Bible Study together, and eat lunch together. And through those times, I learned about the Search and Rescue program her son was in and she gave me the website to look into it.
(Since that year, our schedules have changed, and I rarely get to spend the time with Connie I would like to. Had I not joined that year, I would have never had the time to visit and get to share with her like we did.)
Well, to make a long story shorter, 12 days ago T1 left for the Search and Rescue Training Academy. And we watched him graduate last night.
And I am humbled.
This is so beautiful for him. It couldn't be more perfect for his bent and abilities. He held himself higher and straighter. He did things he didn't think he could do and he did them well. He stretched and grew and learned and I am SO PROUD of him.
I guess what I am trying to say through this big long blog post is
Don't Give Up.
You moms with tough kids,
doing things that you don't want to do,
wanting to give up and let them go,
trudging day after day through the ugly.
Don't give up.
When you are confused.
Fighting God and His will for you.
Ready to throw in the towel,
Don't give up.
We see SO LITTLE of the picture.
All I could see in those nights of ugly cry-fits on my bed was me, in jail, in purgatory, homeschooling until it killed me and them.
I HATED everything I thought it would be.
I had a terrible attitude.
I fought against God because His plan was SO VERY WRONG for me!
And through it all He lovingly wrapped His arms around me,
held me, flailing and kicking, tight in His arms,
and whispered, through my yelling, that He has this all planned.
I look back and see that now.
But for three long years I didn't.
I started trying.
I was humbled.
I was being sanctified.
and I got to see the blessing,
and now I fall to my knees.
Don't give up moms.
God has this.
You may not see it for years.
But there is a perfect plan for your hard teens.
Don't fight it,
Don't Give Up.
P.S. Eventually, we might feel led to have him go to public school. We are NOT against public schools, in fact, both of us grew up in public, but for him and at this time of his life, we aren't there yet.