How do you keep going on in the trials?

It's been a while since I blogged.

We are now that weird homeschooling family.

I am trying to figure out a schedule that works.

Curriculum that works.

Attitudes that work.

It's exhausting.

The homeschooling part is going well.  We have a co-op we are going to with some amazing classes and teachers, so that leaves me to teach just a handful of subjects.  Which is a load off my shoulders for sure.

But we're still wallowing in the mire of

BAD ATTITUDE

POOR CHOICES

and 

BLAMING OTHERS

It's been at least a full year (maybe two) of trudging through this thick, stinky, ugliness.

And I haven't seen much change.

And what do you do then?

What do you do when the battle is UNENDING?

When you don't have the strength to listen to ONE MORE INSULT?

One more fight?

Or one more slammed door?

When it completely BREAKS YOUR HEART to see the bitterness flash across those eyes you love so much?

When your mother's heart is so full of love for this child, but you really don't enjoy being around them?

Such a painful, ugly place to be.

A place where I pray daily (or hourly) for the Lord to break him before he breaks me.

When I know that I'm on the verge of losing it to either unending sobbing or tyrannical screaming.

I know the Lord is the ONLY one who can change his heart.

Do I believe He can?

Do I believe He will?

Do I believe He has a plan for this child too?

I do.

I KNOW He cares.

That it breaks His heart more.

And I know that He is working on ME through this situation.

And like it says in the  Believing God study I'm doing.

"I'm believing God."

When my heart tells me "He'll NEVER change", 

I'm believing the God who is in the business of changing hearts.

When my doubts raise with another hateful comment to a brother...

I'm believing God.

and hopefully when it is all said and done, all of this pain and heartache 

will be COMPLETELY for His glory.

Because I am at the end of me.

Which means that I'm finally at the beginning of God.

And his love is never-ending.

Praise Him.